All I Can Give
by Damion Starr
Summary: John finds a message, left behind by Aiden. '...I give you what I can. I give you my nothing...' Spoilers for The Siege III, Slash: ShepFord


All I Can Give  
by Damion Starr

Notes: Inspired by the comic "Johnny The Homicidal Maniac" by Jhonen Vasquez. Takes place after "The Siege III", but before "The Intruder".  
Disclaimer: SGA not mine

* * *

"What's going on?" Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard had to almost shout to be heard over the klaxons which signalled an incoming wormhole to the Atlantis stargate. 

"Major Novak's team just contacted us. They found the Jumper," Dr. Elizabeth Weir answered quietly, then watched the emotions flicker over her military advisor's face.

"Good. We need it," John finally replied coldly, letting his face become blank once again. Before Liz could say anymore, John turned on his heels and left the control room. Weir sighed and shook her head sadly at his retreating back.

* * *

"How is she?" John asked, approaching Novak and his team. 

"Some missing supplies, but other than that..." The Army major shrugged, letting that finish his statement. "Looks like it had been there for a few days." John nodded, looking past the soldier to the silent craft beyond. "There was no sign of him, sir."

"I know," John mumbled, then brushed past Novak, clearly distracted. Major Novak stared after John for a moment, then left the Bay, leaving the Colonel to his own devices.

* * *

John slid into the pilot's seat, running his hands over the console. 'He'd been sitting here,' he thought as his fingers traced the controls. It had only five days since Aiden Ford, having barely survived the siege, broke through security, stole the Jumper John was sitting in, and gated off world. Only five days, yet it seemed like longer. John was worn out. He had gotten very little sleep, spending hours at a time trying to figure out where his 2IC had gone. When Dr. Beckett finally ordered John to bed, Sheppard found himself tossing and turning all night. He couldn't sleep without Aiden in his arms. 

"Aiden," John whispered his lover's name to the silent air. It had been hard, maintaining an against-the-rules relationship in a city where everybody knew everything about everyone all the time, but they'd made it work. Probably because, at some point, John and Aiden had silently agreed that it was worth it. And it was. John was only perfectly happy when he was with Aiden, even if it was when they had to be in CO-2IC mode.

"Where are you?" John sighed quietly, then began to turn away from the controls, when something under the console caught his eye. He blindly reached for it, and his fingers found masking tape. He pulled the item free and was surprised to find a camcorder in his hand. He peeled the tape off, and beneath it, on the silver casing, was one word that made him smile: "Flyboy". Aiden's nickname for him.

"Pretty boy," John breathed as his fingers traced the loving designation. He flipped out the view screen and turned the recorder on. After pushing play, Aiden's face bloomed to life on the small screen. The marine smiled into the camera, and John saw the young man he loved so much.

"Hey, flyboy. If you're watching this, it means you found the Jumper. I knew you would. You probably knew what I was going to do before even I did. That means that I am either incredibly predictable, or you just know me that well. I'd like to think it's the last one," Aiden chuckled before his smile faded. Sadness glinted within the depths of his dark-chocolate eyes; one morphed by his battle with the Wraith. "I'm sorry about how I left, John, but I was afraid if you knew...that you would try to stop me,"

"Damn right, I would," John mumbled.

"In fact, I know that you would try to stop me, no matter what. What really scared me was that you'd probably succeed. You have that kind of power over me. But I didn't know what I would do if you got in my way. Something's happened to me, John, and I don't know how to control it," Aiden sighed. "That is why I left. If I hurt you...I'd never forgive myself. But I can't hurt what I do not acknowledge. It's safer this way.

"By the time I see you again, I hope to be as cold as the moon outside. Emotions have no place in the battlefield, and we are in a constant war zone. I see that now. I also see that what has happened to me may be the key to defeating the Wraith. But as long as I feel for you what I do, I'm only a danger to you and Atlantis." Aiden sighed and bowed his head briefly. When he looked back up into the camera, there were tears coursing down his cheeks. "It may not seem like it now, but I'm doing this because I love you, John. My entire life, I've never loved anything else.

"This is my gift to you. I give you what I can. I give you my nothing." Aiden's voice broke, and John touched the video screen, wishing he could reach through to comfort the one he loved with all his heart. Aiden kissed his fingertips and set them on the bottom of the camera lense. "I love you, John. Remember that."

"Aiden," John sobbed.

"Goodbye."

The screen went black. "Aiden?" John sat up, tightening his grip on the camera. "Aiden!" He screamed at the dead screen before collapsing against the console, crying into his arm. The camcorder slipped from his hand and fell to the floor of the Jumper with a dull thud.

* * *


End file.
